Side-effects include!

“Midnight Madness,” “20% off Day,” “Mall Madness,” whatever you call it...our yearly 20% off at the local mall should be accompanied with the following  fine print, “participate at your own risk –  side-effects may include (but are not limited to) aggressive and rude behaviour, sporadic mental confusion, unexplained adrenaline rushes, and  excessive spending due to retail pandemonium”…

No survival guides issued here people! This was an outright test of patience and efficiency!  With flyers and lists in hand, shoppers filled the mall parking lot ready to save that 20%.  The normally fluid entrances and exits were now bottlenecked, narrowed and blocked by crazed drivers determined to get that perfect spot.  I had my day planned: gym (which is in the same lot), quick run in and out of the mall, head down East to Costco.  “Silly woman!!” Twenty minutes to travel 75 meters should have been my first clue that the day was not going to go as planned.  

By 9:00am I had my workout complete, 9:25 had made it out of the stores with my purchases.  Then, I sat in the parking lot for 20 minutes – or more, I stopped counting.  Inching along, trying to make my way to a coffee,  I watched people honk, gesture (not always politely), and occasionally wave thanks as one lonely soul directed traffic.  (For those of your familiar with this parking lot, it is similar to a 3-way stop, the difference being only one of the three actually stop).  

Wearing his reflective vest, the traffic guy used a lit wand to direct the droves of vehicles trying to get in and out of the parking lot.  His free hand motioning “this way,” ”stop¸” “now, your turn,” “stop,” ”Whoa! Whoa! I didn’t tell you to go!”  I thought, “You’re going to need that wand for more than directing traffic before the days out buddy!”

Twenty-five minutes and seventy-five meters later I was free and travelling on the main thoroughfare! Then I realized it was everywhere! The Toys r’ Us store (with possibly the WORST designed parking lot in the city) looked as if it was going to bust at the seams! Cars scooted in and out of the lots in a chaotic blur. I thought as I travelled east it was going to improve, but no! It was just more mayhem in every direction.   I painfully made my way through Stavanger Drive - another traffic flow nightmare – and parked within a reasonable kilometre of Costco.   I plunged into Costco with conviction and purpose!  At one point I’m sure had I lifted my feet off the ground, the momentum of the people around me would have carried me along.  Where did all these people come from!? Seriously!!  

Mall Madness had trickled into the surrounding veins of the city. There was no relief...just endless register line-ups, crazed shoppers, and my coffee.  Organized chaos with a sprinkle of, “I must be crazy for being here”, finally led me back to the safety of my van!  Cheese, milk, bread....all tossed in the back! Once in the driver’s seat I could only laugh!  A laugh of relief, absurdity, and “good grief how am I getting home?!” 

In the end...I made it home (and without incident).  After a quick conference call with the girls, we came to two conclusions. One, we would not be leaving the safety of our cul-de-sac (for any reason) until Mall Madness had ended. Two, next year organizers, or perhaps, City Officials should issue,

“I survived Mall Madness” t-shirts and buttons!

*other side-effects may include, high blood pressure, chest pains, blurred vision, reduced motor function... If at any time you experience one or more symptoms... well...GOOD LUCK!

“’TIS THE SEASON – HAPPY SHOPPING!”

Let's Review that again!

Ever had one of those weeks that tests your sanity to the core?  One thing after another, chipping away, provoking you to question whether or not you’ve actually lost it.  You can feel your brain squeezing inside your skull, it hurts to think. But wait....reprieve from inevitable chaos! That brief moment when you take a breath, collect yourself, grab the coffee you left on the counter! “Okay -  it’s okay, let’s try this again!” – sigh

Wham-oh! You smack your hip into the countertop sending your sacred coffee into a spiralling mess and your nerves a puddle of despair! If you’re saying to yourself, “Nope. Never been there!” – you’re lying! We’ve all been there! It’s a parental rite of passage that we must embrace!

Tuesday morning, lunches were packed, homework had been signed, we even got to school on time and without incident.  Gracie had a terrific skating lesson, was a little fish at swimming and even entertained sitting in her stroller for a quick trip to the mall (with the bribery of a pretzel of course) to knock a few items off the old Santa list. With my mouth-watering butter pecan latte in hand and Christmas melodies playing in the back ground, I thought, “This is nice! Very nice indeed!” ----“Mama!! I gotta poo!”, interrupts my moment of holiday bliss.

We run to the restroom, when she informs me she does not have to go now. (Grrr) “Gracie, we have to get your brothers in five minutes. If you have to go, go now!” – pleading with a three year-old is like sticking your finger in an electric socket;  burning and unproductive.

Then, without warning, the downward spiral begins.  It’s raining and instead of staying inside the boys have been waiting outside. So, now their wet and apparently quite grumpy! Middle child is unimpressed by my tardiness and informs me it’s quite difficult to eat cereal for lunch when you don’t have a spoon (thought for sure I’d packed a spoon), then proceeds to dramatically emphasize the extent of his starvation!  Noah had been signed up for hot lunch (macaroni – his favourite), however, apparently they ran out, so he only had a bun for lunch! A bun, that was it! SERIOUSLY! – Ugh, the chest pains were back! My nice, happy day had gone  to pieces.

Home base was just more crazy! “He’s looking at me funny!”, “Don’t touch that it’s mine”, “MOM!! She’s got my light saber!”, “I don’t like that, I’m not eating it!” “Where’s my hockey stick, I’ve got hockey tonight!” – Blah, blah, blah!! Whine, whine, whine! – was there a full moon tonight?

Don’t worry honey, mommy is just going to take the light saber and stick it in her eye!   - Addled is an understatement. With that, my hubby arrives home in the nick of time. Noah and I run to the van as I shouted, “Good Luck honey”! -  I’m free!

From there we putter onward....Wednesday afternoon,  groceries and what not, only today I had a glorified blonde moment and actually forgot where I had parked the van.  Of course, now the Holiday shoppers are like vultures. The moment you set foot in the parking lot, you are a marked target!  Now, all eyes were on me and in what direction I was headed.  Problem was, I truly had no idea!

At one point I actually laughed out loud. “Nope, not my van” – “Ah ha! – Jingles...not that one either”.   For a second I contemplated going back inside.  Then, I did what any self-respecting person would have done... pretended to talk on my cell phone while I haphazardly meandered through the parking lot praying I would find my car. It didn't look good!

Now you may be asking yourself, “Why didn’t she use the remote and honk the horn”? Well, you must own a vehicle without any quirks for that to work.  My vehicle prefers that you be right in front of it before you press the “find me” button! 

Finally, I found my car and enjoyed a good laugh at my own expense.  Should I be concerned over my incident of memory loss? Maybe.  Maybe not.   When it was all said and done, I had my car, my groceries and three kids accounted for.  - Sounds like a success to me!!

"Great Gifts Under $10" - What?

Another Halloween night laid to rest.  Like most, we’ve sorted, thrown out, taste-tested and over eaten the yummy goodies hauled in by the kids.  We’ve instated guidelines of two treats per day, however, are enforcing the “do as I say” policy not the “do as I do” (lets just say I’ve snuck more than two!); and I believe the treats may conveniently disappear to a compost pile have they not been consumed in a timely manner.  Temptation is winning the battle!

All in all, Halloween is considered a success.  Great costumes, scrumptious candy, a house that didn’t get toilet-papered, pumpkins still in one piece, some overgrown trick or treaters...it’s all good! Though I might add, if you’re over the age of fourteen and are participating in Halloween activities, I have one request.  Please have the decency of NOT talking on your cell phone while multi-tasking your pillow case loot bag, motioning to me for a handout.  A better idea would be to take the phone away from your face, say “Trick or Treat”, grunt out some resemblance of a thank you and enjoy the rest of your evening.  

So, that was that.  

Tuesday morning after dropping the kids at school, I stop by Starbucks for a little morning treat.  I walked in the door, headed toward the line-up where I was abruptly stopped by what surrounded me.   It was everywhere...the smell, the colors...I actually had to take a moment and digest what I was seeing.  Only days earlier I’d dug out the old skeletons and pumpkin lights, which mostly likely will be hung for another week or so- and now, without so much as a blink, I was surrounded by ...Christmas!! Smells of cinnamon & peppermint filled the store, holiday themed coffee mugs displayed with gift cards and single-serving packets.  In the blink of an eye merchandisers had quietly transformed their stores to us unsuspecting 

Prior to now, I had noticed the occasional pre-lit tree, carelessly glanced over boxes of Seasons Greetings cards. Everywhere I went that day, stores had been transformed into Wintery Wonderlands.  I’d barely wrapped my head around the end of Halloween, hardly taken a breath...for a short fleeting moment, I felt uncommitted and self directed.  The Christmas Countdown on the radio chimes “only eight weeks left til Christmas” as I heard a lady down the aisle say, “You know, there’s only three more pay periods til Christmas”!  

 Martha Stewart’s elegantly tailored holiday trimmings, twinkling tree lights, ergonomic snow shovels along with festively decorated topiaries now filled the stores. Rows upon rows of Christmas trees line the aisles, end-caps filled with ribbons of all colors. “Hottest toys”, “Gifts for under $10”, “Gift giving made easy”!   Holiday shopping has officially arrived - smack in the face!

As the saying goes, “if you can’t beat them...join them”.  I retreated home, scurried about removing all signs of Halloween, suffered through a hot flash or two, then, proudly hung my seasonally appropriate winter wreath!

I, was not going to be left behind!