Side-effects include!

“Midnight Madness,” “20% off Day,” “Mall Madness,” whatever you call it...our yearly 20% off at the local mall should be accompanied with the following  fine print, “participate at your own risk –  side-effects may include (but are not limited to) aggressive and rude behaviour, sporadic mental confusion, unexplained adrenaline rushes, and  excessive spending due to retail pandemonium”…

No survival guides issued here people! This was an outright test of patience and efficiency!  With flyers and lists in hand, shoppers filled the mall parking lot ready to save that 20%.  The normally fluid entrances and exits were now bottlenecked, narrowed and blocked by crazed drivers determined to get that perfect spot.  I had my day planned: gym (which is in the same lot), quick run in and out of the mall, head down East to Costco.  “Silly woman!!” Twenty minutes to travel 75 meters should have been my first clue that the day was not going to go as planned.  

By 9:00am I had my workout complete, 9:25 had made it out of the stores with my purchases.  Then, I sat in the parking lot for 20 minutes – or more, I stopped counting.  Inching along, trying to make my way to a coffee,  I watched people honk, gesture (not always politely), and occasionally wave thanks as one lonely soul directed traffic.  (For those of your familiar with this parking lot, it is similar to a 3-way stop, the difference being only one of the three actually stop).  

Wearing his reflective vest, the traffic guy used a lit wand to direct the droves of vehicles trying to get in and out of the parking lot.  His free hand motioning “this way,” ”stop¸” “now, your turn,” “stop,” ”Whoa! Whoa! I didn’t tell you to go!”  I thought, “You’re going to need that wand for more than directing traffic before the days out buddy!”

Twenty-five minutes and seventy-five meters later I was free and travelling on the main thoroughfare! Then I realized it was everywhere! The Toys r’ Us store (with possibly the WORST designed parking lot in the city) looked as if it was going to bust at the seams! Cars scooted in and out of the lots in a chaotic blur. I thought as I travelled east it was going to improve, but no! It was just more mayhem in every direction.   I painfully made my way through Stavanger Drive - another traffic flow nightmare – and parked within a reasonable kilometre of Costco.   I plunged into Costco with conviction and purpose!  At one point I’m sure had I lifted my feet off the ground, the momentum of the people around me would have carried me along.  Where did all these people come from!? Seriously!!  

Mall Madness had trickled into the surrounding veins of the city. There was no relief...just endless register line-ups, crazed shoppers, and my coffee.  Organized chaos with a sprinkle of, “I must be crazy for being here”, finally led me back to the safety of my van!  Cheese, milk, bread....all tossed in the back! Once in the driver’s seat I could only laugh!  A laugh of relief, absurdity, and “good grief how am I getting home?!” 

In the end...I made it home (and without incident).  After a quick conference call with the girls, we came to two conclusions. One, we would not be leaving the safety of our cul-de-sac (for any reason) until Mall Madness had ended. Two, next year organizers, or perhaps, City Officials should issue,

“I survived Mall Madness” t-shirts and buttons!

*other side-effects may include, high blood pressure, chest pains, blurred vision, reduced motor function... If at any time you experience one or more symptoms... well...GOOD LUCK!

“’TIS THE SEASON – HAPPY SHOPPING!”